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O
lder adults can find themselves without children
or close family for a variety of reasons, by personal
choice, by chance, because of biology, or as the
result of social, political, religious, or economic influences.
We turned to
Dr. Sara Zeff Geber, a certified retirement
coach and owner of LifeEncore
who has been tracking this
subject, to find out more about this particular demographic.
Dr. Geber calls these older adults "Solo Agers." She describes
a Solo Ager as "anyone who doesn’t have children, whether
or not they are currently married or living with a partner."
She includes those who have partners or spouses in this
definition even though spouses are often caregivers for
each other. The reason, she says, is that one person will
eventually pre-decease the other, and the surviving partner
will be in need of outside care at some point.
Of course, there have always been people who have not had
children. But according to Dr. Geber, this demographic rose
significantly with the baby boomers; the general infertility
rate for humans is 10 percent, but close to 20 percent of
baby boomers don't have children. To understand why the
numbers have doubled, she says, we have to look at how
society has changed. "Baby boomers came of age in the 60s
and 70s. Advancements in family planning were becoming
available. And because of equal opportunity legislation,
college slots and professional positions were rapidly
opening for women, and they took advantage of them
in very large numbers." Because of these shifts, people—
women in particular—could choose whether parenting was
right for them.
It's particularly important for long-term care providers to
be aware of this growth in numbers because many of these
older adults will turn to Assisted Living, Memory Care, or
CCRCs to fill the need for care. "Solo Agers do not have the
built-in safety valve of adult children to rush in when there
is an adverse event (a fall, stroke, heart attack, memory
issues). When these events occur in families, it is almost
always the adult children who search out an appropriate
next step for their parent(s)."
Even if an older adult is already a resident of a community,
she says, "the adult children are often the ones who
continue to check in on a regular basis, transport the parent
to doctors, shopping, pharmacies, etc., and provide comfort
and companionship. When there are no adult children to
perform these tasks, sometimes a sibling, niece or friend
steps in, but that help is not always available."
Community staff members can also step in, and many do.
In these cases, Dr. Geber says, "time and consistency are
the important ingredients." Residents can build very strong
bonds with staff members they see every day, especially
if they take the time to play a card game, look through a
photo album, share a meal, or listen to a story. "Like any
relationship," she says, "the caregiver bond grows over time."
Fountaingrove Lodge
is one of many CALA-member
communities that has translated this philosophy to daily
practice. I spoke with
Executive Director Robert May
,
who said, "We are an LGBTQ and friends community with
a diverse group of residents. This contributes to a sense
of family here, because we have individuals who are both
gay and straight who are sensitive to LGBTQ issues and
look after each other.”
Activities Director Stacie Musso
added, “We have a
unique situation here because many of our LGBTQ
residents do not have close family members. They might
have been ostracized by their families or they have no
children.” For that reason, she said, the staff and residents
have really come together as a family unit. “The residents
will tell you that it feels like a family—and I know that
sounds cliché, but it's truly not. Because the residents
and staff support each other and understand each other’s
struggles, we are a close community and we feel like a
family.”
And it goes both ways. Musso shares that she recently lost
a family member. “Many residents attended the memorial.
For them to come and do that for my family shows how
connected we all are.”
May points out that this sense of family continues even
through the end of life. “When the long-time partner of
a resident passes away, they may find themselves very
much alone if they don't have immediate family. That is
the reality of our LGBT community—it can be a very lonely
endeavor to retire.”
He says this is when the community’s culture of support
and care becomes most important. “We're both vigilant
to our residents’ loneliness and respectful of their desire
for solitude. What makes us unique is that we're able to
understand what that aging process is like from an LGBTQ
perspective.”
May says that when he thinks of how a staff/resident
relationship can feel like family, he thinks of
Frankie de
Luna,
a staff member who has been with Fountaingrove
since it opened. “He's able to build very personal
connections with the residents, he understands where
the residents come from, their true wants and likes,
and he revels in making them happy.”May says
everything from his compassion to his attention
to detail helps de Luna build strong, lasting
relationships with many residents.
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